Friday, October 16, 2009
today was a good day. quite fun!! table-tennis doubles with May haha :D yufang's da pro. ate at j8 foodcourt with a few other st.nicks girls. then went to moelc.
walked back home from the mrt station today. then on the pavement reaching my house, there was a stray German Shepherd. i was scared like mad, cos it was walking nearer and nearer to me on that narrow pavement, i cant run or it'll chase after me, and i cant keep walking backwards cos it was following me, and i cant like run onto the road. so..i just stood there with a scared-stiff expression, i didnt dare to move. then all of a sudden, my dad's car passed by and he stopped to let me in. which is why i say God exists. because miracles like that can happen.
sometimes, it really hurts me to wonder..
am i really doing enough for japanese..
?
i'm feeling very down now. i cant explain exactly why, but i know that i have alot of insecurities. i tried to cry on my way back home while walking back from the mrt station, since i thought after crying i would feel much better. but i just cant cry anymore. anything thats sad just stings for awhile, then it feels numb. being immune and just feeling that dull sting of sadness..its a sick feeling. its like, when people scare me and shout "BOO!"and pop out of a corner, i wont even feel shocked, like something just compresses and dulls the feeling. but i pretend to feel shocked to please the person.
i'm scared about whats going to happen to me.
what if that person leaves me, which i'm sure that person will, because my japanese is not good enough. i have nothing besides japanese, its the only way i redeem myself. you may think like "no, you have so many talents, what're you talking about?" but you wont understand my emotions unless you're me. in those talents lie alot of other insecurities, like whether my playing technique actually sucks, or something like that.
and my friends, even my really good friends, my best friends, nobody can understand or tolerate me. in their eyes, i'm irritating. i can literally hear them agreeing now. like, i mean, obviously they wont say it out to me wad. its just something expressed in their gestures, facial expressions, that seem to tell me all of this. you may think again that its just me thinking too much, but its really not. like i said, you're not me, so you wont understand wengchen anyway. dont even try.
alot of what-ifs in my head that i expect to come true. i'm so disappointed in myself. Not all about my japanese marks, but also the kind of person i've grown to be, and especially the kind of person i am in the eyes of others. how i wish i could just cry this all out.
:/ off to chem tuition now. toodles!!
walked back home from the mrt station today. then on the pavement reaching my house, there was a stray German Shepherd. i was scared like mad, cos it was walking nearer and nearer to me on that narrow pavement, i cant run or it'll chase after me, and i cant keep walking backwards cos it was following me, and i cant like run onto the road. so..i just stood there with a scared-stiff expression, i didnt dare to move. then all of a sudden, my dad's car passed by and he stopped to let me in. which is why i say God exists. because miracles like that can happen.
sometimes, it really hurts me to wonder..
am i really doing enough for japanese..
?
i'm feeling very down now. i cant explain exactly why, but i know that i have alot of insecurities. i tried to cry on my way back home while walking back from the mrt station, since i thought after crying i would feel much better. but i just cant cry anymore. anything thats sad just stings for awhile, then it feels numb. being immune and just feeling that dull sting of sadness..its a sick feeling. its like, when people scare me and shout "BOO!"and pop out of a corner, i wont even feel shocked, like something just compresses and dulls the feeling. but i pretend to feel shocked to please the person.
i'm scared about whats going to happen to me.
what if that person leaves me, which i'm sure that person will, because my japanese is not good enough. i have nothing besides japanese, its the only way i redeem myself. you may think like "no, you have so many talents, what're you talking about?" but you wont understand my emotions unless you're me. in those talents lie alot of other insecurities, like whether my playing technique actually sucks, or something like that.
and my friends, even my really good friends, my best friends, nobody can understand or tolerate me. in their eyes, i'm irritating. i can literally hear them agreeing now. like, i mean, obviously they wont say it out to me wad. its just something expressed in their gestures, facial expressions, that seem to tell me all of this. you may think again that its just me thinking too much, but its really not. like i said, you're not me, so you wont understand wengchen anyway. dont even try.
alot of what-ifs in my head that i expect to come true. i'm so disappointed in myself. Not all about my japanese marks, but also the kind of person i've grown to be, and especially the kind of person i am in the eyes of others. how i wish i could just cry this all out.
:/ off to chem tuition now. toodles!!
何時も同じな空の下で笑えるからさ, 6:30 pm.
